treading water

Well, I've already failed pretty spectacularly at keeping up with this blog.  My plan was to post every four weeks with a picture and how I was feeling so that I could look back and remember this pregnancy.  And now we are thirteen weeks since my last post.  Go me!  I had so many plans, and if I give myself time to think about how many things I have not done in the past thirteen weeks, then I can't stop crying.  The truth is, life is just a massive speeding train right now, and I'm doing my best to not fall off.  I can't read pregnancy books right now that tell me how many servings of vegetables and grams of calcium to eat per day and how many times I should sit down and spend time thinking about and talking to my daughter.  The truth is, I'm doing well to eat three meals a day that do not consist of cookies.  I am doing well to stop and sit down for five minutes because my feet are so swollen, let alone stopping and having some cheesy mother/daughter moment whilst doing so.  I am doing well lately to get five hours of sleep during the week.

Actual pregnancy has not been difficult.  I have been very lucky.  The weight gain has been hard to swallow, just because I'm so short and I already have a very unhealthy relationship with my body weight.  But really that's the worst of it, so my own vanity can just deal with that.  I am lucky that my swollen Fred Flintstone feet go back down while I rest at night (only to swell up again the next day).  I haven't been having any Braxton-Hicks or any weird pains or symptoms, and I feel this little wiggle worm going crazy every day.  These things do make me extremely happy.

I find myself getting angry because this is not how first pregnancies are supposed to be.  I've gotten a lot of comments from people who already have multiple children about not sleeping and forgetting stuff and barely making it through their second pregnancy.  Like, "welcome to motherhood!"  I get that - I do, but this is my first.  It's not supposed to be like this yet, because I'm not pregnant and chasing a toddler.  I'm supposed to be able to nap and eat ice cream whenever I want, and make stupid artwork for the baby's room.  I'm supposed to have time to pore over the irritating books.  I'm supposed to be washing tiny clothes and setting up a changing table.  That's what people get to do during their first pregnancies, and I feel like I'm being cheated.

October is my very favorite month of the year, and I have missed it all.  I have not gotten to enjoy life during October because I've been gone from home going on four weeks.  I have worked literally 75-80 hour weeks this month and I have lived out of a hotel.  I missed decorating for Halloween and our third anniversary.  I missed being home for the changing of the weather and the obnoxious pumpkin spice lattes.  I missed our family beach vacation and seeing my niece play in the sand for the first time.  I'm spending my birthday (tomorrow) away from my husband and family.  I love trying cases - I really do - but I cannot even begin to express how difficult this has been doing it while pregnant and when I want more than anything in the world to be home getting ready for this baby.  It's hard not to feel cheated and  about this whole thing.

When all of this is over and I'm back home for good, I plan to post again.  And hopefully I'll be less grumpy.  For now, here is a catch up of all of my photos from the past thirteen weeks.

(28 weeks.  I didn't have my board.)

Oh, hey there blog.

Well, it's been a while.  Over two months, to be exact!  Training for the half has been a very tough and eye-opening experience.  I have mentioned several times about how my feet go numb after I have been running or walking for a few miles.  As you can imagine, this is very annoying.  After time, new shoes, stretching, and voodoo did nothing to make the numbness better, I went to see an orthopedic doctor.  He basically said "hmmm, this is weird, not really sure how to fix it."  He sent me to physical therapy, which I've been doing for a few months. 

I ran a 10k in mid-August and it was like my feet were worse than ever.  I went back to the doctor.  Frustratingly, no one can give me an explanation of why this happens.  My doctor advised me to stop running and to continue with physical therapy and other non-running exercises to strengthen my leg muscles.  The educated guess of various doctors and therapists is that I just have very tight, knotted up leg muscles. 

So, I'm not running right now.  I'm so disappointed.  I know I'm awfully naive, but I thought if I just put the time in with this I could accomplish it.  Turns out my body needs some more work.  It's no secret that I carry a few extra pounds, but I'm finding now how incredibly difficult it is to become an athlete in your 30s.  Wow.  It's hard.

Team Spina Bifida is letting me push my race date out to another half, so now I'm working towards running the Publix half marathon in Atlanta in March 2013.   My fundraising will just continue until then (I've raised over $1300!!).  Hopefully if I spend several months working on leg strength and low-impact cardio, I will be able to complete the half training without my feet betraying me.

running is hard and simeon is amazing

Simeon today - one week old!

In the most important news EVER...sweet Simeon Lee Smith was born at 10:10 a.m. on Wednesday, May 23!!!  He weighed a glorious 6 lbs., 2 ounces and is practically perfect in every way.  He has already had his surgery to close his back (6 long hours) and to place his shunt (1 1/2 hours) and he is now recovering in the NICU.  He handled both surgeries really well!  Simeon is a beautiful little boy who has brought his parents (and the rest of his family!) so much joy.  In a situation where so many things "could" have gone wrong on his delivery day, so many things went perfectly right and everyone is very grateful and thankful for that.  In his first seven days of life, Simeon has displayed so much strength and tenacity.  I am in awe of him.  Simeon is reminding me every day that I need to just do this and quit complaining.  Seriously, look at this kid:

Just a few hours old - resting in the NICU.  His back was not closed yet.

Simeon recovering from having his shunt placed.  This is the face of a little boy who will literally get anything he wants from Aunt Camille.

In much less important news (that is, news about me), it turns out that running is hard.  Running for a long time is even harder.  Who knew?  I never honestly thought that this would be easy, but I did kind of think it would be easier.  Like, when I first started driving a car I wasn't very good...but the more I did it the better I got, until it was effortless.  I didn't really have to push myself when I was learning how to drive.  But boy do I have to push myself like crazy when I run.  I watch people at the gym and at races who seem to run so far so effortlessly, and I wonder if they ever felt like a two ton elephant lumbering along at a glacial pace?  Please tell me they did...or there is no hope for this two ton elephant.


I don't know if I'm just not that good at running, or if it's this hard for all beginners.  Right now I feel like I'm not progressing any.  I can't seem to really push past three miles, and honestly I'm pushing it to do that much.  It's like my body seems to think that three miles as the longest distance ever...how do I tell it I need to work up toward ten more miles?  I feel like if I told my legs that, they would just detach from my body and walk away saying bitch, you cray.  Seriously.

As for my weird, sleepy feet issue, a friend of mine who is a really avid cyclist advised me to purchase The Stick.  It's a massage tool that is used a lot by cyclists and runners to work out stiff muscles and improve circulation.  I've been using it multiple times a week for a few weeks now and I do think it's making a difference.  I'm no Dr. Spaceman, but my gut tells me that my feet lose circulation because I have really terrible circulation and muscle tone in my legs.  So we're working on that.  When I use the stick, I actually feel sore afterwards (that really good "I did something" soreness), so I'm happy about that.

I'm going to start posting my weekly stats on here (pace & distance) and I hope that will help me notice the concrete improvement.  The half is in just over four months, so I'm stepping up my training to 4-5 days of cardio a week (3-4 running days) and 3-4 days of strength training a week.  I know, that's 9 days a week, but I think I can do it.  :)  Hopefully by posting concrete statistics, this two ton elephant will feel a little more confident.


If you want to read a beautifully written story of Simeon's first few days, read my sister-in-law's blog.  Just make sure that you get your kleenex handy.  Seriously, read it - her blog is the good stuff, unlike this one.  Just promise you'll come back to my blog afterward.

slow and steady

I'm not sure if I am still bummed out about my race last weekend or if I have actually hit a wall...but running has been slow-going this week.  I feel like I weigh a million pounds and that this is not getting any easier.  My calf muscles are so tight, and when I run they burn and feel like stiff little robot legs.  I have upped my stretching and have been doing jumping jacks and stretching every morning and night as well as before and after running.  I've been running 2 miles every day this week and I'm discouraged that I still feel so stiff in my legs.

Must keep going.

A few miles of humility

Yesterday I ran the Big Peach 5k in Atlanta.  This was my first race since I have decided to train for the half marathon, and my second 5k ever.  I don't have an official time because the timer fell off of my shoe.  Based on my own watch, my time was about the same as it was at my first 5k.  Of course, I wanted my time to be better - at least ten minutes better.  Over the past few months as I have been training, I know that I'm definitely becoming a better runner.  I can run almost three times as long as I could in January.  About a month ago I started thinking "this 5k is going to be easy breezy."  I figured, I've done this once and I now I'm a better runner, so I'm going to just blow it out of the water with little effort.  

I guess it was a combination of that attitude, at lots of traveling, and a gym only open from 9am - 5pm all combined to make me not push myself very hard the past few weeks.  Part of me wonders if I was sabotaging myself because I do feel on some levels that I will fail at this half marathon.  Is failing earlier easier, instead of getting closer to my goal and then failing?  I don't know.  I do know that the feeling of disappointment in myself that I felt yesterday is not something I'm a huge fan of.  Running a race is not like writing a paper, or taking a test, or making a presentation.  In those situations, quick thinking and your brain can compensate somewhat for lack of preparedness.  No amount of smarts or quick thinking can compensate for lack of preparedness during a race.  There are very few things that you can hide behind when your out of breath and your calves are burning.

Getting to the race yesterday started out stressful.  I originally gave myself plenty of time to drive to the Marta station and then ride the short distance to the race.  That was all well and good until I got on the wrong train and rode about 15 minutes on the wrong line.  I turned around and rode back to the original station so that I could get on the right train.  I still had a decent amount of time until the race...and then the Marta train stopped and we were told it was out of service.  So I got off that train, and waited for a new one.  I did eventually get to the starting line about six minutes before the race started.  I had planned to be there an hour early.  Thankfully, my friends were able to get my race number for me or else I definitely would not have started on time!!

Mile one started out well.  I felt good, and really wasn't winded until the end of the mile.  I stopped to walk once to fix my race bib which I had pinned on poorly in my haste and was scratching my stomach.  Mile two started to get hilly, and I starting running the flat portions and walking the uphill portions.  At about 1.75 miles, my right foot started tingling and then fell completely asleep.  I stopped and relaced my shoes, which didn't help.  I stopped again and took my foot out of my shoe to let it regain circulation.  Also didn't work.  I walked for a while with my shoes untied.  By that time, my left foot had fallen asleep.  Begrudingly, I had to walk the last half of the 5k.

I'm mad at myself about the feet because I think it happened because I had slacked off in my training over the last few weeks.  My feet would fall asleep when I first started running, but as I started being more consistent (and better) in my running, it happened less and less.  If I had been better and more diligent the past few weeks, I don't think my feet would have fallen asleep yesterday.

Moral of the story:  I need to work harder and train harder.  Simple as that.

Mental Blocks

The other day I did my longest run to date, and today I repeated that same run.  I'm still following the C25k program to work on building up a good 3 mile running base.  Keep in mind that I am a beginning runner...so my long run was warm up, 4 minute run, 2 minute walk, 6 minute run, 2 minute walk, 4 minute run, 2 minute walk, cool down.  Sixteen total minutes of running.  Before this run, the longest I'd run consecutively was 3 minutes, and that was only one time during a whole workout.  I was definitely a little skeptical before I did this workout for the first time, and I'm proud to say that I did it twice!  Turns out that this little program knows what it's doing.

Right now I do most of my running in the gym on the treadmill...or as I like to call it, the hamster wheel.  This is largely due to my crazy schedule, the weather, and the fact that our neighborhood is full of crazy hills.  Sometimes on the weekends I like to go to the park to run, but this doesn't always happen.  While I'm grateful to have a gym with nice treadmills, running in the gym can be so intimidating.  One, gyms are usually full of mirrors.  I don't know why this is.  Can you think of a single (normal) person who enjoys watching themselves workout?  I know I don't.  And they usually line the treadmills up along a mirrored wall, so you get the lovely angle of watching yourself from the side.  Brutal.

The other reason gyms are intimidating are the people.  The super fit, athletic people that I know are judging me for not being fully in shape.  I seriously hate having to run next to a super fit person who is awesome at running.  Today I'm in Philadelphia for work, and so I did my workout at the gym at the Philly Marriott.  It's a pretty big gym for a hotel, and there are three rows of three treadmills.  Lucky me, when I got there the only open treadmill was the middle treadmill in the middle row.  Right in the center.  Every other treadmill was occupied by a young, fit guy who had been running for approximately ten hours without getting winded.  My first instinct upon seeing this?  Leave.  What if these guys thought I was a pathetic runner?  What if they noticed that I was winded after five minutes of running?  What if they were laughing at me in their heads? 

Well, I didn't leave.  I stayed, and I did my whole run.  And I feel great!  The reality of it is that those 8 guys surrounding me on their treadmills probably barely noticed me.  When you're not fit, it's hard to feel like you belong in the gym.  Well, I need to remember that that's ridiculous.  No one ever got in shape by walking in the gym and walking right out.  What matters right now is that I stick with my program, and I'm happy to say that I did just that!