Another 31 Things Update

Here is an update of where I stand on my 31 Things to-do list.

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1.  Complete wedding scrapbook.
2.  Run a half-marathon.
3.  Buy a house.
4.  Pay off my car. - completed October 2012
5.  Take Wes to a UGA game in Athens.
6.  Take a golf lesson.
7.  Buy a nice camera.
8.  Host a family holiday at our house.
9.  Frame a shadowbox of wedding items.
10.  Do a detox/cleanse.  - completed 09/20/12 
11.  Color my hair. - completed November 2012
12.  Lose 20 lbs.
13.  Exceed my billable hour requirement at work. - completed for 2012
14.  Write a short story.
15.  Train Ollie to not poop on the floor.
16.  Beat Super Mario Galaxy.
17.  Complete 2010-2011 scrapbook.
18.  Give at least one homemade Christmas gift.
19.  Find a signature scent and start wearing it.
20.  Seriously clean out closet.
21.  Go to the North Georgia Mountains with Wes.
22.  Visit Nashville.
23.  Get a customized stamp once we have a house.
24.  Select and print canvas prints from wedding photos.
25.  Make some Pinterest Christmas decorations.
26.  Get my calves small enough that I can wear knee-high boots.
27.  Create a jewelry display/storage system.
28.  Have wedding rings appraised.
29.  Buy a new car (preferably a small SUV!).
30.  Go rock climbing (indoor, obviously).
31.  Climb Stone Mountain with Wes.

Obligatory Resolution-Type Post

Naturally, it has been a while since I blogged.  And, even more predictably, it is the second-to-last day of 2012 and I'm in one of those introspective moments when I resolve that I * will * blog more in 2013!

But seriously, I am going to blog more in 2013.  How do I know?  Well, for one, Santa brought me a super fancy MacBook Pro for Christmas, and I now have the proper tools for blogging!  My old MacBook was in a sad state and I rarely turned it on, which is one main reasons I never blogged.  Yea, that's it.  I also need to remind myself that it's okay to blog even though I don't have any kids to talk about.

So here are the things that I RESOLVE to do in 2013, or, more accurately, the things I hope will happen in 2013:

1.  Start writing more in an effort to not lose my creative writing skills I once had (read: blog more!)
2.  Buy a house
3.  Lose 20 pounds
4.  Finish our wedding scrapbook
5.  Complete the Publix half marathon in March

I have decided to leave off what would be number 6: get my s&#@ together.  Because I'm already kind of doing that anyway, and, realistically, how do you measure accomplishing that at the end of 2013?  I guarantee that come December 31, 2013, I would find a way to tell myself I still needed to get my s$&@* together in 2014.  So enough with that.

There are some other things I guess I'm "resolving" to do in 2013, but I'm not calling them resolutions because that's kind of a recipe for failure.  These are just things I'd like to do in 2013: visit family in Boston and Ohio several times; purge unnecessary junk from our house; downsize my wardrobe to things I actually wear; buy some grown-up furniture.  I'd also like for my blog to be interesting/well-written and for people to actually read it.

We'll see about that one, I guess.

31 Things Update

Quick update on my 31 Things challenge.  Last week I did Jillian Michaels' water detox.  To be fair, I only did 5 days instead of 7.  I lost a few pounds of water weight, but I'm sure I have promptly gained it back :)  I wasn't thrilled with the detox, mainly because it made me feel sick to my stomach.  I imagine it was the dandelion root tea (which Wes described as tasting like "hot dog water"), since the other ingredients in the detox are just cranberry juice and lemon juice.  And water.  I give the detox an overall rating of "meh."  

I think for now I'll just stick to drinking regular water and "enjoying" my yearly medically-required cleanse.  Jealous? :) 

Where I stand:

Couponing

Ok, so I admit that I'm a little behind the curve with the whole couponing thing.  I'm pretty sure most of my friends on here have gone through a couponing phase and are kind of over it.  Like most things, I've picked up on the craze a little later than most.  Back in Dallas, I will admit that I didn't bother with coupons because I didn't concern myself with my grocery bill.  I'm not proud of that truth, but it is what it is.  And although Wes and I have lived together since 2007 (side note: seriously? where has the time gone?) we did not combine finances until we were married.  We split the bills, but he worried about his money and I worried about mine.  Now he worries about all of our money (a benefit of marrying an accountant!)

So here we are, one year into our marriage and we've made some amazing progress.  We are blessed to both have good jobs and we make a good living, but we have a lot of student loan debt.  Like, more than a house's worth of student loan debt.  <shudders>  Since our wedding, we have paid off all of our credit card debt and are 2 months away from having 2 paid for cars.  (Don't tell Wes I want a new car).  And, since we no longer have the house in Dallas (hooray!), we are saving like mad men to buy a house in Atlanta next summer.  And I can't wait, frankly, apartment living is for the birds.  And by birds, I mean incredibly rude neighbors who never sleep and have terrible taste in music.

I decided to start couponing to see if I could cut our grocery budget in order to speed up the savings process.  And I think I did - in September, I saved $235 and spent about $350.  I do think that the savings will spread out more over time because I definitely bought more items that I usually do, and if I can manage to spread out what we have and plan our meals wisely, our bills should be lower next month.  I mean, our cabinets are seriously full.  The problem that I find with couponing, however, is while we need to eat down the food that we have, I cannot miss shopping a sale!  The one thing keeping me reigned in right now is that we don't have a pantry or an extra freezer, so I'm quite limited in storage.  Also, my fear of becoming one of "those people" on TLC helps me pump the brakes when necessary.

I do have glimpses of life as one of "those" people.  For example, I shopped on Sunday, and I was really tempted to buy some Palmolive dish soap with a final price of 25 cents.  It was a big bottle!  But I didn't buy it because we truly don't need any dish soap (one bottle in use and one back up bottle at the moment).  Two weeks ago, Truvia was on sale for $2.99 and I had a $2 coupon.  I forgot to buy it over the weekend, so I definitely made a special trip to get my 99 cent Truvia.  Man was that satisfying!  And, I think we have seven boxes of cereal right now.  I eat cereal almost every morning, but I seriously can't let myself buy any more boxes until I eat the ones we have!  We also have a pretty ridiculous cracker supply and 4 back up bags of cat food for the lazy ones.  Don't judge...

My strategy is pretty simple.  I clip coupons from the Sunday paper, and enter them into a sortable Excel spreadsheet (nerd alert!)  I also print coupons from coupons.com, target.com, and publix.com.  Then I check the sale ads from Publix & Target, cross-reference with my coupon spreadsheet, and buy accordingly.  If we need something that isn't on sale, then I'll pick a couple of coupons and see what brand is the best deal when I get to the store.  And that's it.  I don't go to multiple stores, seriously ya'll, that is too intense.

I also have a health & beauty supply closet that is ridiculous.

31 Things

In an effort to reignite the old blog and make it about more than running, I decided to make a new list of random goals to accomplish over the next year.  Once upon a time I did the 1001 things in 1001 days challenge, but that was on my old blog and I have no idea how I did on that.  Probably not very well!    Since I will be 31 in a little over a month, this list will be a list of 31 Things.  Stay tuned to see the progress!

1.  Complete wedding scrapbook.
2.  Run a half-marathon.
3.  Buy a house.
4.  Pay off my car.
5.  Take Wes to a UGA game in Athens.
6.  Take a golf lesson.
7.  Buy a nice camera.
8.  Host a family holiday at our house.
9.  Frame a shadowbox of wedding items.
10.  Do a detox/cleanse.
11.  Color my hair.
12.  Lose 20 lbs.
13.  Exceed my billable hour requirement at work.
14.  Write a short story.
15.  Train Ollie to not poop on the floor.
16.  Beat Super Mario Galaxy.
17.  Complete 2010-2011 scrapbook.
18.  Give at least one homemade Christmas gift.
19.  Find a signature scent and start wearing it.
20.  Seriously clean out closet.
21.  Go to the North Georgia Mountains with Wes.
22.  Visit Nashville.
23.  Get a customized stamp once we have a house.
24.  Select and print canvas prints from wedding photos.
25.  Make some Pinterest Christmas decorations.
26.  Get my calves small enough that I can wear knee-high boots.
27.  Create a jewelry display/storage system.
28.  Have wedding rings appraised.
29.  Buy a new car (preferably a small SUV!).
30.  Go rock climbing (indoor, obviously).
31.  Climb Stone Mountain with Wes.

Oh, hey there blog.

Well, it's been a while.  Over two months, to be exact!  Training for the half has been a very tough and eye-opening experience.  I have mentioned several times about how my feet go numb after I have been running or walking for a few miles.  As you can imagine, this is very annoying.  After time, new shoes, stretching, and voodoo did nothing to make the numbness better, I went to see an orthopedic doctor.  He basically said "hmmm, this is weird, not really sure how to fix it."  He sent me to physical therapy, which I've been doing for a few months. 

I ran a 10k in mid-August and it was like my feet were worse than ever.  I went back to the doctor.  Frustratingly, no one can give me an explanation of why this happens.  My doctor advised me to stop running and to continue with physical therapy and other non-running exercises to strengthen my leg muscles.  The educated guess of various doctors and therapists is that I just have very tight, knotted up leg muscles. 

So, I'm not running right now.  I'm so disappointed.  I know I'm awfully naive, but I thought if I just put the time in with this I could accomplish it.  Turns out my body needs some more work.  It's no secret that I carry a few extra pounds, but I'm finding now how incredibly difficult it is to become an athlete in your 30s.  Wow.  It's hard.

Team Spina Bifida is letting me push my race date out to another half, so now I'm working towards running the Publix half marathon in Atlanta in March 2013.   My fundraising will just continue until then (I've raised over $1300!!).  Hopefully if I spend several months working on leg strength and low-impact cardio, I will be able to complete the half training without my feet betraying me.

Peachtree Road Race!

This morning I ran the Peachtree Road Race, which has been an Atlanta tradition since 1970.  It's the largest 10k in the world - with only a mere 60,000 participants!!  Yesterday I was pretty nervous about the race and strongly considered not running it at all.  I didn't feel like I was prepared enough, and the heat in Atlanta had been in triple digits for the past week.  After some great motivational coaching from my "coach" Allison, I decided to do it, and I can't tell you how HAPPY I am that I did it!!  6.2 miles is by far the farthest I've run (even run/walking).  When I crossed the finish line, I had some tears well up in my eyes (which I know is totally lame, but whatever) because I was truly so proud of myself for finishing this race. 

The atmosphere of the Peachtree is amazing!  I think I smiled the whole time.  There are 150,000+ spectators along the course, cheering you along.  It is such a huge Atlanta tradition that there are booths and events set up along the route too, and they hand out things like popsicles, watermelon, Powerade, and other goodies.  I didn't collect too much swag though, because you have to carry everything!  One of my favorite group of spectators was the group of priests sprinkling holy water on the runners as they passed.  I got sprinkled...even though I'm Methodist I could use a little God to get me through the race! :)

I still have a long way to go for the half, but this gave me some much-needed confidence in myself.  I think I can do this!!  I'm still a run/walker, but I think I will probably be a run/walker for the half.  And that's okay!  My training program (which just started this week - 12 weeks out!) is a run/walk interval program.  I think it is smart so that I don't risk injury or overdoing it.  I want to become a runner the right way.

Another cool thing about today is that Wes saw me cross the finish line - on T.V.!!  He DVR'ed the race for me.  This morning he said he was watching a soccer game and the just had a "feeling" that he should flip back to the race.  He did, and I crossed the finish line right after he flipped over!  I was able to watch myself on the DVR'ed version when I got home.  Pretty sweet!!

6:30 a.m. and I'm all smiles!  Let's do this!

These are the Group A runners - the first group after the "elite" runners.  I passed them on the way to my starting corral.  Oh, and for what it's worth, I probably walked an extra three miles today from my car to the race and back to the car!

My corral - M.  The corrals ran from A-Y.  You are placed in a corral based on a verified time from another qualifying race.  My submitted time was my only race I had done - a 5k in January.  My time was pretty average, which is why I was seeded as a "middle of the pack" runner.

FINISHED!!!  The feeling at the end of a race is unlike any other.

  So happy!

Partial view of the finish line area at Piedmont Park.  It was packed!!

Me and my running support coach, Allison.  She wasn't able to run the race this year, but she came out to the finish to support me and some other of our friends!  That meant so much to me!

Hope everyone had a great 4th today!  I feel lucky and blessed that I was able to finish this race safely and smiling!

running is hard and simeon is amazing

Simeon today - one week old!

In the most important news EVER...sweet Simeon Lee Smith was born at 10:10 a.m. on Wednesday, May 23!!!  He weighed a glorious 6 lbs., 2 ounces and is practically perfect in every way.  He has already had his surgery to close his back (6 long hours) and to place his shunt (1 1/2 hours) and he is now recovering in the NICU.  He handled both surgeries really well!  Simeon is a beautiful little boy who has brought his parents (and the rest of his family!) so much joy.  In a situation where so many things "could" have gone wrong on his delivery day, so many things went perfectly right and everyone is very grateful and thankful for that.  In his first seven days of life, Simeon has displayed so much strength and tenacity.  I am in awe of him.  Simeon is reminding me every day that I need to just do this and quit complaining.  Seriously, look at this kid:

Just a few hours old - resting in the NICU.  His back was not closed yet.

Simeon recovering from having his shunt placed.  This is the face of a little boy who will literally get anything he wants from Aunt Camille.

In much less important news (that is, news about me), it turns out that running is hard.  Running for a long time is even harder.  Who knew?  I never honestly thought that this would be easy, but I did kind of think it would be easier.  Like, when I first started driving a car I wasn't very good...but the more I did it the better I got, until it was effortless.  I didn't really have to push myself when I was learning how to drive.  But boy do I have to push myself like crazy when I run.  I watch people at the gym and at races who seem to run so far so effortlessly, and I wonder if they ever felt like a two ton elephant lumbering along at a glacial pace?  Please tell me they did...or there is no hope for this two ton elephant.


I don't know if I'm just not that good at running, or if it's this hard for all beginners.  Right now I feel like I'm not progressing any.  I can't seem to really push past three miles, and honestly I'm pushing it to do that much.  It's like my body seems to think that three miles as the longest distance ever...how do I tell it I need to work up toward ten more miles?  I feel like if I told my legs that, they would just detach from my body and walk away saying bitch, you cray.  Seriously.

As for my weird, sleepy feet issue, a friend of mine who is a really avid cyclist advised me to purchase The Stick.  It's a massage tool that is used a lot by cyclists and runners to work out stiff muscles and improve circulation.  I've been using it multiple times a week for a few weeks now and I do think it's making a difference.  I'm no Dr. Spaceman, but my gut tells me that my feet lose circulation because I have really terrible circulation and muscle tone in my legs.  So we're working on that.  When I use the stick, I actually feel sore afterwards (that really good "I did something" soreness), so I'm happy about that.

I'm going to start posting my weekly stats on here (pace & distance) and I hope that will help me notice the concrete improvement.  The half is in just over four months, so I'm stepping up my training to 4-5 days of cardio a week (3-4 running days) and 3-4 days of strength training a week.  I know, that's 9 days a week, but I think I can do it.  :)  Hopefully by posting concrete statistics, this two ton elephant will feel a little more confident.


If you want to read a beautifully written story of Simeon's first few days, read my sister-in-law's blog.  Just make sure that you get your kleenex handy.  Seriously, read it - her blog is the good stuff, unlike this one.  Just promise you'll come back to my blog afterward.

slow and steady

I'm not sure if I am still bummed out about my race last weekend or if I have actually hit a wall...but running has been slow-going this week.  I feel like I weigh a million pounds and that this is not getting any easier.  My calf muscles are so tight, and when I run they burn and feel like stiff little robot legs.  I have upped my stretching and have been doing jumping jacks and stretching every morning and night as well as before and after running.  I've been running 2 miles every day this week and I'm discouraged that I still feel so stiff in my legs.

Must keep going.

A few miles of humility

Yesterday I ran the Big Peach 5k in Atlanta.  This was my first race since I have decided to train for the half marathon, and my second 5k ever.  I don't have an official time because the timer fell off of my shoe.  Based on my own watch, my time was about the same as it was at my first 5k.  Of course, I wanted my time to be better - at least ten minutes better.  Over the past few months as I have been training, I know that I'm definitely becoming a better runner.  I can run almost three times as long as I could in January.  About a month ago I started thinking "this 5k is going to be easy breezy."  I figured, I've done this once and I now I'm a better runner, so I'm going to just blow it out of the water with little effort.  

I guess it was a combination of that attitude, at lots of traveling, and a gym only open from 9am - 5pm all combined to make me not push myself very hard the past few weeks.  Part of me wonders if I was sabotaging myself because I do feel on some levels that I will fail at this half marathon.  Is failing earlier easier, instead of getting closer to my goal and then failing?  I don't know.  I do know that the feeling of disappointment in myself that I felt yesterday is not something I'm a huge fan of.  Running a race is not like writing a paper, or taking a test, or making a presentation.  In those situations, quick thinking and your brain can compensate somewhat for lack of preparedness.  No amount of smarts or quick thinking can compensate for lack of preparedness during a race.  There are very few things that you can hide behind when your out of breath and your calves are burning.

Getting to the race yesterday started out stressful.  I originally gave myself plenty of time to drive to the Marta station and then ride the short distance to the race.  That was all well and good until I got on the wrong train and rode about 15 minutes on the wrong line.  I turned around and rode back to the original station so that I could get on the right train.  I still had a decent amount of time until the race...and then the Marta train stopped and we were told it was out of service.  So I got off that train, and waited for a new one.  I did eventually get to the starting line about six minutes before the race started.  I had planned to be there an hour early.  Thankfully, my friends were able to get my race number for me or else I definitely would not have started on time!!

Mile one started out well.  I felt good, and really wasn't winded until the end of the mile.  I stopped to walk once to fix my race bib which I had pinned on poorly in my haste and was scratching my stomach.  Mile two started to get hilly, and I starting running the flat portions and walking the uphill portions.  At about 1.75 miles, my right foot started tingling and then fell completely asleep.  I stopped and relaced my shoes, which didn't help.  I stopped again and took my foot out of my shoe to let it regain circulation.  Also didn't work.  I walked for a while with my shoes untied.  By that time, my left foot had fallen asleep.  Begrudingly, I had to walk the last half of the 5k.

I'm mad at myself about the feet because I think it happened because I had slacked off in my training over the last few weeks.  My feet would fall asleep when I first started running, but as I started being more consistent (and better) in my running, it happened less and less.  If I had been better and more diligent the past few weeks, I don't think my feet would have fallen asleep yesterday.

Moral of the story:  I need to work harder and train harder.  Simple as that.

April Update

Is it really the end of April already?!  Sheesh.  A lot has been happening lately.  I have been woefully slacking at blogging which I will blame on my inhumane travel schedule.  To give you an idea, in the past 7 days I have  been in 5 states, 5 airports, 4 hotels, 8 airplanes, and 2 rental cars.  But I've been running as much as I can.  Here is what else has been going on:

• I have already exceeded my fundraising goal of $1000!  I am amazed (although not surprised) at the generosity of my family.  
• Simeon will be here in exactly one month!!
• My first race (Big Peach 5k) is creeping up on me - it's May 5th!  I'm excited.  My goal is to run the entire 3.1 miles.
• I have not had any numbness in my feet lately - yay!  That has been really worrying me because I am scared of being in the middle of a race and needing to stop because my feet need a nap.
• I won the lottery for a spot in the Peachtree Road Race 10k on July 4th.  I've lived in Atlanta my whole life and never even considered running this race!

I am starting to really feel the effects when I don't go running.  A few weeks ago I was gone for a deposition for an entire week and was not able to run that whole week because of several factors such as working 15 hour days, rain, and no gym in the hotel.  In addition to not running I was eating very poorly that week (which I know are related).  I felt absolutely disgusting all week.  I was puffy, bloated, and exhausted.  I even started to break out, and I generally don't break out other than one lone pimple from time to time.  Lately when I don't feel like running I think about how terrible I felt that week and it gets me going!

fundraising update

Amazingly, I am only $100 away from meeting my initial fundraising goal - and the race is still six months away!  I can tell you one thing - Simeon is blessed with an incredibly generous and loving family.  I am amazed (although not surprised - my family is fantastic!) and how quickly I have reached this goal.  Everyone has shown so much support for me and so much love and support for Simeon.  It's inspiring and is giving me so much encouragement to push through!  Looks like I need to set a new (bigger!) fundraising goal!

Go Team Simeon!!

Progress!

I had a great past few days with my running! I've run 1.8 miles the past 2 days. I'm pretty much amazed that I have been able to do it, and that I wasn't completely exhausted at the end. My endurance has improved ten fold - I can actually run without getting so winded that I have to stop. The main problem that I'm dealing with lately is that my feet (mainly my right foot) tends to fall asleep about 20 minutes in to a run. It's super frustrating and gets really painful if it falls all the way asleep. I've done some googling (very scientific) and have concluded that it's either a) my shoes or b) very tight calf muscles. I don't think it's my shoes because I was fitted for these and have laced them ten thousand different ways. I do know that I'm very inflexible, so I'm thinking that it's the result of my super tight calf muscles. Anyway, I've added a lot of additional stretches to my pre-run warm up. So far, I've had 2 runs without my feet going numb. Hopefully it keeps improving!

Tuesday my run is 20 minutes non-stop. I'm nervous!!

In Simeon news, his parents got good news at their last ultrasound. His hydrocephaly seems to have stabilized at moderate. Also he continues to move his legs which is hopeful. His parents are doing so amazing dealing with everything and getting their home ready. We were even able to see one of those cool 3D ultrasounds of his face! I am so excited to meet Simeon in a few months!

things that make this seem real

My race shirt arrived!

Mental Blocks

The other day I did my longest run to date, and today I repeated that same run.  I'm still following the C25k program to work on building up a good 3 mile running base.  Keep in mind that I am a beginning runner...so my long run was warm up, 4 minute run, 2 minute walk, 6 minute run, 2 minute walk, 4 minute run, 2 minute walk, cool down.  Sixteen total minutes of running.  Before this run, the longest I'd run consecutively was 3 minutes, and that was only one time during a whole workout.  I was definitely a little skeptical before I did this workout for the first time, and I'm proud to say that I did it twice!  Turns out that this little program knows what it's doing.

Right now I do most of my running in the gym on the treadmill...or as I like to call it, the hamster wheel.  This is largely due to my crazy schedule, the weather, and the fact that our neighborhood is full of crazy hills.  Sometimes on the weekends I like to go to the park to run, but this doesn't always happen.  While I'm grateful to have a gym with nice treadmills, running in the gym can be so intimidating.  One, gyms are usually full of mirrors.  I don't know why this is.  Can you think of a single (normal) person who enjoys watching themselves workout?  I know I don't.  And they usually line the treadmills up along a mirrored wall, so you get the lovely angle of watching yourself from the side.  Brutal.

The other reason gyms are intimidating are the people.  The super fit, athletic people that I know are judging me for not being fully in shape.  I seriously hate having to run next to a super fit person who is awesome at running.  Today I'm in Philadelphia for work, and so I did my workout at the gym at the Philly Marriott.  It's a pretty big gym for a hotel, and there are three rows of three treadmills.  Lucky me, when I got there the only open treadmill was the middle treadmill in the middle row.  Right in the center.  Every other treadmill was occupied by a young, fit guy who had been running for approximately ten hours without getting winded.  My first instinct upon seeing this?  Leave.  What if these guys thought I was a pathetic runner?  What if they noticed that I was winded after five minutes of running?  What if they were laughing at me in their heads? 

Well, I didn't leave.  I stayed, and I did my whole run.  And I feel great!  The reality of it is that those 8 guys surrounding me on their treadmills probably barely noticed me.  When you're not fit, it's hard to feel like you belong in the gym.  Well, I need to remember that that's ridiculous.  No one ever got in shape by walking in the gym and walking right out.  What matters right now is that I stick with my program, and I'm happy to say that I did just that!

why I'm doing this

In my last post, I wrote about how I'm training for a half-marathon because I want to keep the weight I've lost off and to stay in shape.  This is true, but there is also a bigger, more important reason behind why I've decided to train for this race, and his name is Simeon.

In November, our family was thrilled to learn that Wes' brother Greg and his wife were expecting.  This would be the their first child, and Wes' mom's third grandchild.  Greg & Mary Evelyn are two of the kindest, funniest, smartest, and most selfless people I know, and the thought of them being parents is just wonderful.  In January, Mary Evelyn went in for her routine visit and to find out the sex of the little one.  Unfortunately, they learned at this visit that their little boy has spina bifida.  More specifically, Simeon has myelomeningocele, which is the most severe (and also most common) type of SB.  A lot of Simeon's disabilities won't be fully known until he is born.  We don't know if he will be able to walk.  We don't know if he will have any brain damage, and if he does what the extent will be.  All we know is that he is going to be incredibly special and very, very loved.

Our whole family has learned a lot about SB in the past few months.  I've read several blogs about children born with very similar forms of SB as Simeon has, and there are a lot of things to be excited for.  I already feel like this little boy has taught me so much, and he hasn't even been born yet!  In my last post, I talked about my fluctuating weight.  A lot of my "problems" can be boiled down to one thing - laziness.  I go through phases where I'm really excited about working out, and I'll go all out.  Then, as it starts to get hard, I quit.  A lot of it comes down to the fact that I don't want to do the hard work required to get the results.

Now I think of Simeon.  I think of someone who may never get the chance to walk, let alone run.  And I think of myself, who is perfectly capable of running, but chooses to make excuses.  I can't do that anymore.  I can't take for granted the fact that I was blessed with a body that allows me to run.  Having a child with special needs in our family is really sobering.  Don't we all think that it will never happen to us?  I have been angry a lot the past few months when I think about girls on "16 and Pregnant," drug addicts (and even freaking Snooki) who have perfectly healthy babies.  Do they know how lucky they are?  I've been thinking about how unfair it is that two amazing people who have done everything right have to go through this difficulty.  I know that they will be amazing parents to Simeon.  There is no doubt about that.  I just know that I will never take a healthy pregnancy and a healthy child for granted.

So, long story short, I have joined Team Spina Bifida.  TSB allows you to participate in any event (half marathon, marathon, triathalon) on behalf of the Spina Bifida Association.  Naturally, my team is called Team Simeon.  (click on the link to donate!)  I'm trying to raise $1000 - and cross that finish line - in honor of Simeon.  I won't be able to look at him and tell him that his aunt very well could have run, but chose not to.  What greater motivation is there?

where do we go from here?

Here I am, four months later, for your blog-reading pleasure.  I know you've all been on pins and needles.

But seriously, I've been really wondering what to do with this blog other than talk about my feelings.  As you all know, I'm sans bambinos at this phase in my life.  And as much as you all love me, I doubt you want weekly updates on the adorable things I do and what new words I've learned.  And lets be honest, a blog about my cats would just be terrible to read.  So that brings us to here.

For the past few years, I've tinkered with the idea of gearing my blog towards weight loss.  The reason I never followed through with that idea was one mental hurdle I could never get past: doing a weight loss blog would mean that I was fat.  Only fat people need to blog their "weight loss journey."  I didn't need a journey because I just needed to lose a few pounds, needed to tone up a bit.  I guess the psychoanalytical types would call that being "in denial."  To be completely honest with you, I still have trouble reconciling the number of pounds I needed (still need?) to lose, and I think I'm still somewhat in denial.  So why was I in denial?  I mean, it's not like I don't see myself everyday and can't see the pounds stacking on to my frame.  Well, for one, to admit that I was "fat" would be to admit something about myself that would frankly be very disappointing.  I don't want to be the fat girl.  I'd rather be "the girl who is adorable but doesn't look great in that one picture...or that one."  It is much easier to say that a photograph was just taken at a bad angle, that I'm having a "fat day," that these pants just aren't flattering than to actually admit that no, it's not a bad picture - it's me.  That's a hard thing to see even though it's right in front of your face.  Another reason I have struggled with the idea of needed to lose weight is the idea that - if I succeed - I will be mad at myself for not succeeding sooner.  Wasted opportunity and all that.  Part of me is afraid to try to see how far I can go in getting in shape because it will just depress me at all the time I wasted being out of shape.  Talk about pathetic excuses!  But these are the things that I think about.  Like every girl, I have always whined "omg I'm sooo fat."  And I believed it.  I said this in high school when I was a "hefty" size 4/6.  And I believed it.  Then, when I was struggling to button up a size 12 just a year ago, I still felt like that size 4/6 girl on the inside and just assumed that the lighting was always bad, the mirrors were screwy, or the photo was unflattering.  Doesn't that seem like I'm getting the short end of the positive-body-image stick?  Thanks, brain.

To sum it all up, I have been scared to admit that yes - I was (am?) fat.  To be completely honest, I still don't take full ownership of it.  Fat people are people I watch on The Biggest Loser and marvel at their complete lack of self-awareness.  Fat people are not people that have just put on a few pounds.  Slowly, however, I'm figuring out that when you "put on a few pounds" ten times over, those pounds add up pretty quickly.

So where are we now?  Well for one, I'm not completely at the beginning.  I started really focusing on losing weight in February of last year in anticipation of my wedding.  (Did I mention I got married?  I can't remember if I ever put anything about it on facebook...lolz!)  The fear of tons of unflattering pictures of myself was really terrifying.  So, I did Weight Watchers.  My plan definitely focused more on diet that exercise - I blame that on both laziness and my insane schedule.  But over the 8 months I did the program, I lost 30 lbs.  Whee!!  I've gained 5 or 6 pounds back since the wedding.  Boo :(  Those 5 lbs might still be based solely on the french toast buffet in Antigua.  But I digress.

The wedding came and went and I canceled my Weight Watchers subscription.  Not because I don't care about keeping the weight off, but because I absolutely.can.not diet for a living.  I just can't.  And I've always known that my biggest weakness is my lack of exercise.  I've also always known that people who manage to not be couch potatoes actually want to eat healthier (you know, instead of forcing yourself to count calories). This led me to the novel conclusion that I needed to get up off my butt.  Like, for real this time.  So, in January I ran my first race - a 5k.  As it was my first race, my goal was basically just doing it and not wimping out at the last minute.  Good news is I did it, and my time was decent for a first time non-runner (42:46).  The better news is that I really enjoyed it.  I have been keeping up running since January.  I'm signed up for another 5k in May, and will possibly do another one between now and then.  But the craziest part of all of this is that I'm going to train for a half-marathon.  Yes, you read that right.  Half-marathon.

Can I do it?  Who knows.  I sure hope I can.  I can tell you I really want it.  This blog will tell my story as I build up my running base, maintain my running base, learn to make running a several-times-a-week activity, and train for a half marathon.  Who's excited?!

I will leave you with some pictures.  The first batch are pictures from before I started Weight Watchers.  None of these pictures are things I've hidden from anyone - in fact I posted most of them on facebook.  What is different now is that I'm saying that these aren't just bad pictures taken at unflattering angles.  These are pictures of what I looked like then...and that's not an easy thing to admit, trust me.

THEN

September 2010, at my brother's wedding.  It's a whole other blog post about feeling guilty for being fat at my brother's wedding...

October 2010

September 2010.  Ashamed at being fat at another friend's wedding.

Hawaii, September 2010.

June 2010.  It is still very very hard for me to not think that this picture is just a bad angle.

NOW

August 2011.  I'll admit I love this picture, even if it's just the angle :)

Wedding - October 2011

Pointing to my "before" picture on my iPhone

Rehearsal dinner - Oct. 2011

Antigua 2011 - and my 30th Birthday!

October 2011 - with the man who would never ever tell me I needed to lose weight.

So that's where we are.  I hope you'll keep up with my training adventures!