Smithfully: February 2012

Here I am, four months later, for your blog-reading pleasure. I know you've all been on pins and needles.

But seriously, I've been really wondering what to do with this blog other than talk about my feelings. As you all know, I'm sans bambinos at this phase in my life. And as much as you all love me, I doubt you want weekly updates on the adorable things I do and what new words I've learned. And lets be honest, a blog about my cats would just be terrible to read. So that brings us to here.

For the past few years, I've tinkered with the idea of gearing my blog towards weight loss. The reason I never followed through with that idea was one mental hurdle I could never get past: doing a weight loss blog would mean that I was fat. Only fat people need to blog their "weight loss journey." I didn't need a journey because I just needed to lose a few pounds, needed to tone up a bit. I guess the psychoanalytical types would call that being "in denial." To be completely honest with you, I still have trouble reconciling the number of pounds I needed (still need?) to lose, and I think I'm still somewhat in denial. So why was I in denial? I mean, it's not like I don't see myself everyday and can't see the pounds stacking on to my frame. Well, for one, to admit that I was "fat" would be to admit something about myself that would frankly be very disappointing. I don't want to be the fat girl. I'd rather be "the girl who is adorable but doesn't look great in that one picture...or that one." It is much easier to say that a photograph was just taken at a bad angle, that I'm having a "fat day," that these pants just aren't flattering than to actually admit that no, it's not a bad picture - it's me. That's a hard thing to see even though it's right in front of your face. Another reason I have struggled with the idea of needed to lose weight is the idea that - if I succeed - I will be mad at myself for not succeeding sooner. Wasted opportunity and all that. Part of me is afraid to try to see how far I can go in getting in shape because it will just depress me at all the time I wasted being out of shape. Talk about pathetic excuses! But these are the things that I think about. Like every girl, I have always whined "omg I'm sooo fat." And I believed it. I said this in high school when I was a "hefty" size 4/6. And I believed it. Then, when I was struggling to button up a size 12 just a year ago, I still felt like that size 4/6 girl on the inside and just assumed that the lighting was always bad, the mirrors were screwy, or the photo was unflattering. Doesn't that seem like I'm getting the short end of the positive-body-image stick? Thanks, brain.

To sum it all up, I have been scared to admit that yes - I was (am?) fat. To be completely honest, I still don't take full ownership of it. Fat people are people I watch on The Biggest Loser and marvel at their complete lack of self-awareness. Fat people are not people that have just put on a few pounds. Slowly, however, I'm figuring out that when you "put on a few pounds" ten times over, those pounds add up pretty quickly.

So where are we now? Well for one, I'm not completely at the beginning. I started really focusing on losing weight in February of last year in anticipation of my wedding. (Did I mention I got married? I can't remember if I ever put anything about it on facebook...lolz!) The fear of tons of unflattering pictures of myself was really terrifying. So, I did Weight Watchers. My plan definitely focused more on diet that exercise - I blame that on both laziness and my insane schedule. But over the 8 months I did the program, I lost 30 lbs. Whee!! I've gained 5 or 6 pounds back since the wedding. Boo :( Those 5 lbs might still be based solely on the french toast buffet in Antigua. But I digress.

The wedding came and went and I canceled my Weight Watchers subscription. Not because I don't care about keeping the weight off, but because I absolutely.can.not diet for a living. I just can't. And I've always known that my biggest weakness is my lack of exercise. I've also always known that people who manage to not be couch potatoes actually want to eat healthier (you know, instead of forcing yourself to count calories). This led me to the novel conclusion that I needed to get up off my butt. Like, for real this time. So, in January I ran my first race - a 5k. As it was my first race, my goal was basically just doing it and not wimping out at the last minute. Good news is I did it, and my time was decent for a first time non-runner (42:46). The better news is that I really enjoyed it. I have been keeping up running since January. I'm signed up for another 5k in May, and will possibly do another one between now and then. But the craziest part of all of this is that I'm going to train for a half-marathon. Yes, you read that right. Half-marathon.

Can I do it? Who knows. I sure hope I can. I can tell you I really want it. This blog will tell my story as I build up my running base, maintain my running base, learn to make running a several-times-a-week activity, and train for a half marathon. Who's excited?!

I will leave you with some pictures. The first batch are pictures from before I started Weight Watchers. None of these pictures are things I've hidden from anyone - in fact I posted most of them on facebook. What is different now is that I'm saying that these aren't just bad pictures taken at unflattering angles. These are pictures of what I looked like then...and that's not an easy thing to admit, trust me.

THEN