treading water

Well, I've already failed pretty spectacularly at keeping up with this blog.  My plan was to post every four weeks with a picture and how I was feeling so that I could look back and remember this pregnancy.  And now we are thirteen weeks since my last post.  Go me!  I had so many plans, and if I give myself time to think about how many things I have not done in the past thirteen weeks, then I can't stop crying.  The truth is, life is just a massive speeding train right now, and I'm doing my best to not fall off.  I can't read pregnancy books right now that tell me how many servings of vegetables and grams of calcium to eat per day and how many times I should sit down and spend time thinking about and talking to my daughter.  The truth is, I'm doing well to eat three meals a day that do not consist of cookies.  I am doing well to stop and sit down for five minutes because my feet are so swollen, let alone stopping and having some cheesy mother/daughter moment whilst doing so.  I am doing well lately to get five hours of sleep during the week.

Actual pregnancy has not been difficult.  I have been very lucky.  The weight gain has been hard to swallow, just because I'm so short and I already have a very unhealthy relationship with my body weight.  But really that's the worst of it, so my own vanity can just deal with that.  I am lucky that my swollen Fred Flintstone feet go back down while I rest at night (only to swell up again the next day).  I haven't been having any Braxton-Hicks or any weird pains or symptoms, and I feel this little wiggle worm going crazy every day.  These things do make me extremely happy.

I find myself getting angry because this is not how first pregnancies are supposed to be.  I've gotten a lot of comments from people who already have multiple children about not sleeping and forgetting stuff and barely making it through their second pregnancy.  Like, "welcome to motherhood!"  I get that - I do, but this is my first.  It's not supposed to be like this yet, because I'm not pregnant and chasing a toddler.  I'm supposed to be able to nap and eat ice cream whenever I want, and make stupid artwork for the baby's room.  I'm supposed to have time to pore over the irritating books.  I'm supposed to be washing tiny clothes and setting up a changing table.  That's what people get to do during their first pregnancies, and I feel like I'm being cheated.

October is my very favorite month of the year, and I have missed it all.  I have not gotten to enjoy life during October because I've been gone from home going on four weeks.  I have worked literally 75-80 hour weeks this month and I have lived out of a hotel.  I missed decorating for Halloween and our third anniversary.  I missed being home for the changing of the weather and the obnoxious pumpkin spice lattes.  I missed our family beach vacation and seeing my niece play in the sand for the first time.  I'm spending my birthday (tomorrow) away from my husband and family.  I love trying cases - I really do - but I cannot even begin to express how difficult this has been doing it while pregnant and when I want more than anything in the world to be home getting ready for this baby.  It's hard not to feel cheated and  about this whole thing.

When all of this is over and I'm back home for good, I plan to post again.  And hopefully I'll be less grumpy.  For now, here is a catch up of all of my photos from the past thirteen weeks.

(28 weeks.  I didn't have my board.)